Baby Blues

*I wrote this entry a while back, but never could bring myself to post it.  It was hard to write.  However, it was a major part of my experience, so I decided to share.

The first 10 or so days of Jake's life are a complete blur.  I've never been so happy and yet so miserable in my life.  I looked at him and knew that I loved him, but I didn't feel like I was capable of taking care of him the way he deserved.

As I mentioned in my birth story, I couldn't eat.  I also couldn't sleep.  The first two nights, I put him to sleep in the FP Rock 'n Play and stared at him for hours.  My parents were staying with us and I insisted that someone be watching Jake at all times.  My worst fear throughout my pregnancy was that he would stop breathing and I would lose him.  It still scares me.

My hormones were raging for that first week or two.  When I slept, it was for about two hours at a time.  I would wake up and jump out of bed to check on my baby.  I would be drenched in sweat, as would my sheets.  Then I would be freezing.  The temperature in the house stayed set on 78 because I was so cold while I was awake.

The crying was probably the worst.  Or more accurately, the toll my crying took on everyone else.  I would look at J and see the desparation in his eyes.  His wife was seemingly falling apart and he didn't know what to do.  He considered calling my doctor, but at that point I realized that I had to do something to help myself, even if it was to try to ignore the way I was feeling and try to feel "normal."

I felt like a complete failure, and Jake's crying rang in my ears.  I could hear it in the shower.  I could hear it when I was in my room with two fans on full blast, hiding under the covers and praying that the bed would swallow me and I would just disappear.  I loved my son, but I couldn't understand what had compelled me to think that I could handle having a baby.

Still, when I looked at his sweet face it all felt worth it.  I knew in my heart that I would be better and that I would be the mother that he needed, no matter how I felt inside.  Thankfully, these "baby blues" only lasted about two weeks.  I look back on those few days and it makes me sad to have felt that way, but I know that it is something that most women face post-partum.

My son is wonderful and thriving!  At his two week checkup he was up to 8 pounds and almost 11 pounds at his two month.  The clothes that completely swallowed him early on now fit perfectly.  My baby is already growing up! 

Daddy's Little Helper